It isn't easy.

So it's been a while since I have posted. I only made this blog to help get out some thoughts/feelings since I'm not attending therapy of any kind. I've learned a lot through this journey so far. It definitely hasn't been what I expected it to be. My surgery was January 9 and in a weird way I feel like this will always be a significant date for me.... You know, like a birthday or something. I am 11 weeks and 2 days post-op! I am completely 100% healed, at least in my opinion. I feel completely normal. Before surgery I had the mindset of "I'm having most of my stomach removed, I'm never going to feel the same physically again!" But I do. I feel totally normal, I just get full quick. I really haven't had ANY issues and I feel soooo lucky and blessed for that. I can tolerate all foods I have tried so far, and I have been experimenting as early as 5 weeks post op if not earlier. I just had no issues with eating anything, so why not eat it? My dietician says no to most vegetables until you are at least 3 months out. Psh!!! Crazy talk. I was able to eat pretty much anything from the moment that I could actually start eating again. I have cheated, I won't lie. I drink diet drinks, I won't hide that either. I didn't do this traumatic surgery for myself to go through life and not indulge occasionally in the things that I love. I had a few bites of carrot cake from J Alexander's yesterday. It was worth every little bite. I don't feel guilty about it at all. Before surgery, I would have eaten the entire thing. For me, I did this mostly for the sole purpose of controlling my binge eating. The amount of food that I could put down before surgery in one sitting was insane. I'm talking an extra large meat lovers pizza, cheese sticks, and often a dessert. My highest weight was 206, but I swear I must have a fast metabolism because I should have weighed at least 350 pounds just from the amount of food I would consume. No lie. My stomach was a bottomless pit!! I can happily report that as of today I have gone from 206 pounds to 166.6 pounds in these 11 weeks. I'm ahead of my surgeons expectations so far, so that's great. I'm also working out a lot. I splurged and bought myself a Cybex Arc Trainer (it even has a tv!!) and I absolutely love it! On average I'm working out 4 or 5 days a week for one hour at a time.

The biggest thing I would tell someone who is considering this surgery is to realize (and I mean really try to realize) that this new stomach you have is only a tool. If you research, you'll read that over and over.... Only a tool. When I was pre-op, I really paid no attention to those remarks. In my mind I thought "I'll get full quick, and supposedly I won't be hungry either since the portion of the stomach they remove is the part that releases the hunger hormone!" I know there are people who don't get hungry. But there are also just as many people (heck, maybe more) who do not lose their hunger. I woke up from surgery hungry, craving a cheeseburger! The post-op liquid and puréed diets are pure hell, I won't lie. It's a mental game. And then once I could start eating mushy food and then moved on to solids, I did have a very small window in there that I wasn't hungry. I would rather drink my protein shakes than eat a meal. I was so happy and thought that this is how it would remain. Wrong. That lasted maybe a week and a half. I'm hungry now....my hunger is back. And since it was only somewhat gone for maybe a week, you could just say it never really went away at all!! :) when I had my consult with my surgeon before surgery, he described this surgery to me as a restrictive procedure (can't eat much at once), and that I wouldn't be hungry. In fact I think his words were "you will care nothing about food and will have to force yourself to eat." He said this is the main reason why the surgery is so successful. He didn't tell me there would still be a possibility that I am still hungry. I am not angry about this at all. It is just something that I didn't really know was a possibility and was hit with a big surprise post-op. So that's good for anyone considering the surgery to know.

The second thing is, you're still in control of what you put in your mouth. My weight loss plan is VERY strict. It seems to be stricter than other surgeons plans, but I believe my surgeons patients tend to lose more than the average weight loss for this surgery, so whatever works I guess! My diet looks like this:

3 meals a day, "NO SNACKING"
400-600 calories a day
64 ounces at least of water (right now I get maybe only 50 because I love diet sprite)
60-90 grams of protein
And....... 15 carbs a day (ouch, I know, right?)

I log everything I put in my mouth on MyFitnessPal (have I mentioned how much I love MFP!?)

So it's pretty serious business. For the most part I stick to this, except I sometimes have a few more carbs (like yesterday when I had a little bit of carrot cake!) I find that if I throw in days where I eat a little more, it keeps my weight loss from stalling as much. The day before that I had 550 calories, 101 grams of protein, and 15 carbs....so I usually do pretty well. But I could easily graze on bad foods all day long and gain weight. I just choose not to. Grazing was never really my problem anyway.....it was just overeating at one sitting.

So I'm kind of obsessed with all of this. I'm not sure how you couldn't be. Having such a major surgery and then COMPLETELY changing your eating habits takes a lot of planning, dedication, and hard work. Many of my thoughts are consumed with how I am eating and the weight I am losing. I do imagine once I get to goal that this will subside a great deal.

So, the subject of this post is "It isn't easy". And it isn't. It's just a whole different side to the battle of the bulge. Not an easier side, but a different side. I have a tool that helps keep me on track, but in no way, shape or form is this easy. I don't regret having the surgery in the tiniest bit. I would hop in my car and go to the hospital and have it done again in a split second without a single thought. It isn't the easy way out. I'm the one who makes it work, or I'm the one who makes it fail. And I'm determined to make it work and reach my goal. :)